I left my husband. I think to be honest, I may have "left" him earlier but three years ago today we separated. Its bittersweet today. I think back to my marraige and I think back to the hell we escaped....me and the kids....i see it being played out in his current relationship.....and im relieved we got out.
I think of hte hell we have lived, the not knowing how to feed my babies, the fear of not meeting bills, the overwhelming incapacity with not knowing how to make decisions and the fear of potential repercussions as their well being lies solely on my shoulders. I think of the pain they have suffered and not really knowing why. I immediately go to "it's my fault," " i did this to my children," "if only I had.......," and it takes a very strong force of my will to remember that maybe it wasn't me. I think of hte many times I have held them as they cry for the longing in their hearts that will never be realized. I think of the times still to this day, where I hear the blame in their words and its directed at me.
I hear the anger is Jeff's voice and beahviour and I think, would that have been? I see Jamie needing to sleep with me for safety cuz of teh abuse he has suffered and I wonder would that have been? I hold a little girl in my arms who doesnt know how to make sense of her world and her daddy right now.........would that have been? I see anxiety in my children.......would that have been?
and yet, I see the beginnings of freedom in Jeff, I see a boy come man, standing up to his father for the protection of his siblings, and I wonder would that have been? I see Jeff holding his little sister in her grief and comforting her and letting her cry and I wonder would that have been? i see a bouncy Jamie, who never ceases to have energy and a smile....would that have been? I see relaxation in Jeff.......would that have been? i see delight in missy in her femininity.......would that have been? i see jamie always ready to bring a smile to someone.........would that have been?
answers to these questions I may never know.....
what I do know.......I must be everything to my children that they need right now, I must be mother and father and I dont know how to do that. I must be protecter and nurturer and I dont know how to do that. I must be comfort and wisdom and I dont always know how to do that. i must be emotion and logic and i dont always know how to do that.
I was unpacking/cleaning today and I found something i wrote three years ago as I formulated my decision to leave.
and so with a confused and burdened heart, that is catching glimpses of the abundant life my children and I will have i share with you:
what i must do
ch
How can i do what i must do
coldly destroy your life
with the knowledte that i hold
plunge you into strife
v1
nightfall steals in silently
i watch you while you sleep
the moonlight bathes your tiny face
while angels round you keep
v2
sweet innocence surrounds you
protects you, keeps you warm,
you love without the knowlede of
the evil of life's storms
ch
v3
overwhelming pain will strike
heart, body, soul, and mind
hold fast to me, trust my love
we'll leave the past behind
v4
i pray you see the wisdom
know my motives and intent
were driven soley by my love
to bring you peace, not torment
bridge
freedom we will find, will find
the lies we leave behind, behind
our freedom we will find
Did i destroy their innocence? did I take from them? are we finding our freedom?
K, I find that wallowing in the "what ifs" can be a very depressing game (trust me, I've been there!). What is, is. And whatever decisions you have made that may have been wrong are between you and God. As believers we have the wonderful opportunity to repent of our sins and then move forward, which is truly freedom. Hard as it can be sometimes, we must live in the present and not get caught in regrets of the past. Don't let Satan pull you down. Repent of past sins (which we all have, not judging), and reject any lies Satan is whispering in your ears. You are God's child, not his.
ReplyDeleteI pray too, that you find great comfort and rest in your Heavenly Father, who is also your children's Heavenly Father. He holds you all in His hands and will never leave or forsake you. Trust in Him to guide and grow your kids up to be godly adults. You are never alone in this. The more you trust and rely on Christ, the better ministry and witness you can give your kids, too. Remember that even in the darkest times, He is always in control, and He is always there for you. :)
J