The Hard..er..high road

Narrow is the gate and few will enter it..... what a lesson, a few simple words that I have heard since I was a tot. Didnt make sense then. Made more sense as I grew and understood about Biblical parables....and then there is now. Its been a long journey with no real end in sight yet. And now those words make sense. It was a gate I chose to enter. Why? At the time it was so that I could look into my lovely three pairs of eyes at night and go to bed knowing I did right by them. It was an easy decision to make. Yet its been a hard decision to live. I've lost a lot by that choice. I have counted the cost. Are my three pairs of eyes worth it? Every penny of it. And yet there are moments when that fades into the distance. There are moments when my name is being dragged through the mud that I don't see that reason. There are moments when family and friends have turned on me, that that reason becomes overshadowed by the all too familiar stab of pain in my heart. There are moments when it seemed I had nothing left but those same three pairs of eyes that I couldnt see it. There have been moments when I have faced the most horrid of allegations that I could that I wanted to renig on my decision, so much so that I at times have "in the moment". So many times I have wanted to spit fire and fight on that level. But narrow is the gate and few choose to enter it. Have I succeeded. *shakes head* No. I've given in and fought at a level beneath me. I am not proud to admit it. And yet I can rest konwing I have not stoooped to the level laid against me. Small comfort tho for the times I renigged. For the times I have sunk a little lower than I wished.So back to the hard...er high road. What makes it worth it? Well there are those three pairs of lovely eyes but that does fade at times. So if that fades even tho my devotion level doesnt....what makes it worth it? Well for one, I never want to stoop to that level....Never! Not to sound arrogant but I'm better than that. Again that doesn't always get one thru tho. So what does? Well as I"ve been learning, a few things. Focus for one. I am in the process of trying to teach my kids that what they focus on is important as it dictates their actions. So that for one makes it worth it. I dont' want to become that which I fight, if I give in and do not walk the high road and focus on the attacks that come at me then I want to retaliate and play at that level. Then I am what I despise. That's one very good reason I dont. A dear friend also pointed this out to me as well. Its hard to walk the high road. It's hard to deny the flesh that wants vengeance and yet if I do walk the high road, that then is part of my sacrifice of parise. It is an act of worhsip of my heart as it is right and pleasing. It does cost but it is one of those acts of worship that comes with great sacrifice to do and great pain to do. And yet those are what are pleasing to God. Those acts of worship are ones He savours.So I'm back to my opening question. Why walk the high road, why enter the narrow gate? Well my three pairs of eyes thats always my immediate reason, then I dont' want to become what I despise. I dont' want to stoop to that level. Focus....where I lay my thoughts are what will come out of me. If I continue to focus on the evil laid against me, I will stoop to that level. And finally my sacrificial act of worship. It is the right and honorable thing to do. That is why I can rest at night and look my God and my babies in the eyes peacefully. It's why I can rest. I have done right by my God and I have done right by my babiesl. Thats what matters......tho it cost the rest.