Crying

this morning, I underwent some pain for some that I had thought I had processed through. I stumbled across something that ripped me open and tore me raw. I thought I was done here adn maybe thats my lesson, maybe pain never ever really goes away. I didnt see this one coming, so I was not prepared and so I cried. I don't usually cry for myself. I cry for others all the time but for some reason somewhere along the lines I learned that its not ok to cry for myself but today this came otu of nowhere and I had no time to prepare. No time to prep myself and I burst. and now I dont know what to do, it hurts.

When I was a little girl, I would hide in my room and hold my teddy bear and wish desperatley to cry. but i never could cry. No one was there to hold me when I cried, no one was there to stroke my hair, catch my falling tears and whisper to me that although it hurts it will be ok. so i froze in mute silence, holding my teddy bear sitting on my bed staring at my ceiling. if you need a visual hit up my fb, look at some of the pix of Missy and imgine her doing that then you will see me. many mnay hours in my life were spent that way, some times the odd tear would trickle down my cheek.

Scooter my cat, bless her heart may she rest in peace, would come and comfort me, those are also some times that the odd tear woudl trickle down as she licked them off my cheek. She knew the depths of my pain....

And this morning I sit here amidst the depths of my pain, a 35 year old single mother who needs to hold it together for her kids so that they know their world is all right even when mine feels like its not.

what do i do? I hold my teddy bear again, while the odd tear trickles down my cheek as I desperatley try and hold it together, for once again, there is no one here to hold me, stroke my hair, wipe the tears from my eyes and whisper "it'll be ok"

(and if ever anyone wants to give me the best gift ever? get Mr Bear fixed for me!)