ouch

so today turned out to be a much harder day than i had anticipated and I am unsure why. On June 25th 3 years ago, my ex and I split. I was a decision that was a long time coming and one that was taken with much prayer. It was not something I did lightly. I thought and prayed and sought out counsel. To further that, I gave him time to reconcile. I looked for some heart changes and I found none. I looked for repentance and I found remorse. And so here I sit three years later....

Was it the right decision? Yes! Would i change it? No! and yet.......here I sit and here I hurt. It was not long beforemy ex hooked up with my neighbour and even shorter still when he moved in with her. This past December they bought a house together. And I have been doing well.... had some temper tantrums along the way but came to resolution and acceptance of all of it. How?

Well I know I have done right by my babies. I know that they needed time to grieve the loss of our relationship and I know that they needed stability, time to heal. And as their mother I owe them nothing less. I initiated the split after all...

And yet, my heart has longed so much for my love. God promised me one after I split and my heart longs for it oh so much. I will admit. I am tired of being a single parent. I am tired of doing it all. I am tired of having to be mom and dad. I shouldnt have to but I have to.

And so today was another day of being single mom. The kids are spending the weekend at their dad's. But it was my baby's piano recital (something I have implemented and worked with him on....again all me). And dad shows up as I expect. I am not going to deny him those things, although I do the legwork on them. I could handle that. Then I find out the x mom in law is there. Now she holds me with much disdain, but again I don't let that affect me. I smile, I greet and I'm polite and warm and friendly.

And yes, the girlfriend....my neighbour...who cares not a trifle for my children....was there. Again I can deal with that, its happened before and for my children's sake I will get along with her. But the crusher came today as I sat one seat away from her and she reached over to flaunt her ring that sits on her left hand ring finger.

So there I sat, seething inside wearing a smile on the outside trying to focus on my son. Wishing like hell I had someone beside me to share my joy at my son's recital. Wanting so desperately to reach out and squeeze someone's hand as we shared a small intimate smile and the goofy things my boy does. Someone to delight in his antics with me.

But yet my sentence today was to smile externally, while i seethed internally as she flaunted her ring and their relationship in my face yet one more time.

It's been three years. I am still alone yet I long for my partner. And i dont know who or where he is..........

ouch!

God, you promised him to me. How much longer? Where is he?