hmmm

So today was highand games. Now if any of you are familiar with Scots, there is a traditional way that men wear their kilts and lets just say that its commando. This fact is pertinent. So the day started off decently, the x went ahead to set up the tent while i finished with the dancers. At about 11 ish a mutual friend came by wearing his kilt. I was there and so was the x, his gf and this mutual friend. This mutual friend, like me, is Scottish. Well the x proceeds to inform Jamie (who is 7) that boys and men wear their kilts traditionally, and he proceeds to explain to Jamie what exactly that entails. Keep in mind, that Jamie is 7 and therefore this information is completely inappropriate and not needed. So I asked the x to mind his conversation as this was inappropriate. Well, I got it. In the middle of thousands of people, with a friend and the gf their, the x decides to lay into me that I have no business telling him what he can say to his kids etc etc. Bearing in mind, his conversation is inappropriate and I asked not told. I was shaking out of reaction on the verge of tears, and of course the others were left in an awkward silence.

My response was that if he is going to carry on like this, I will take the kids and leave as it is my weekend with them not theirs. So trying to be the tough guy and god almight himself, x throws a patronizing wave at me. So I pulled Jamie over to me, took a step back and waited until the next call for the kids' dance came at which point, I gathered the kids to me and left. I then proceeded to sit in front of the stage and take my pics as usual all the while the x kept throwing glares my way and i refused to respond.

Stupid thing is I still react. I freak, I get scared and I fear he will hurt me.......and one level I wish to God he would so I could end his influence on my kids. I wish that he would lose it to the point where he doesn't think, and instead acts with the result that he seals his own coffin.

Stay my hand.......right?

It was just a week ago that I did this once with him, and now not one week later, it happens again. Looks like he may be escalating. Good thing and bad thing, if he escalated to the point of not thinking and acts out violently he loses the kids, however, they may end up being at risk. If it were me, I can deal. I'm used to it, I'm an adult, no big deal. It's nothing new for me whats one more.

I wish and pray to God that he is digging his own grave and that not far off he seals his own coffin, and how horrid is that that I wish for that.

And I pray to God that I can stop reacting.

I'm a mess, aren't I?

On another note, here's a response to my highland days today:

Scotland's Sons

In the highland hills of Scotland
The price for freedom paid
Took may lives, much bloodshed
Scotsmen died at England's blade

The cost was much to bear
For this nation under siege
Each scottish drop of blood
The English bribed its leige

Many battles fought and won
Many a tear was shed
The anguished Scottish cries rang out
As the fields were turned to red

But freedom was their war cry
They would not call retreat
Both their daughters and their sons
Would not admit deafeat

Ch
Freedom was their war cry
Each clan called to unite
Freedom was their war cry
The Scottish sons birthright