The Mark of a Woman

So in my many ponderings, which I seem to be doing a lot lately, I started to think on what it means to be a woman. A gentleman I know gave me this perspective. The true mark of a woman lies in her vulnerability......interesting definition adn something that speaks to me. But where does stength fit into this?

I amin a unique position here. circumstances in my life....being a single mom of three and having to fight tooth and nail for the well being of my kids entails that I be strong and challenges my being vulnerable. And yet does it? And yet last night a situation arose for me where I couldn't help but feel vulnerable and desperately wanted someone here for protection.

I think though, we should start by defining our terms (can you tell I live in academia???):

vulenrable: capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt

strength: the quality or state of being strong

ah but see now we have another definition to look up

strong: especially able, competent or powerful

Ok, so on the surface strength (the acto of being strong [ able competent or powerful]) is opposed to the definition of vulnerable ( susceptible of being wounded or hurt) or is it?

As I look to my own life, I think I can start to make some sense of this. My life is forcing me to be a mother and a father to my kids which is really hard cuz I'm not a guy. So if you're a guy reading this, this is partly why I want to understand you people, I am attempting to raise two boys to be strong courageous yet sensitive Godly men. Not easy when you dont understand men :-p. I am currently in a situation where I have to be strong, I have to rely on myself and make decisions that I feel completley unprepared for and I do so solo. I don't have a healthy male perspective to bounce my thoughts off of. And this goes farther than doing the more typical "male " chores around the house, although there is that too. I have to be spirituatl head of my house and raise my boys up in a Godly manner.

I have to be strong.

In our current economic crisis, I have to make the financial decisions of the house, I have to worry alone and brainstorm alone as to how I will sometimes get food on my table. This summer is looking kind of bleak and yet I have to face it alone. I have to carry these burdens without the shoulders of a man to help me in this.

I am breaking into the professional world. An area in which strength is seen as a trait to be admired, an area in which men dominate and to get ahead as a woman, you need to deny your womanhood and femininity. Or do you?

I have been described as strong. I don't see it. I see vulnerability. I cry.....I cry a lot when my kids arent around me, when I'm home alone. I cry more than anyone could fathom I think. In fact, I feel very vulnerable today and as I sit here typing I hold my teddy bear.

So how can I be strong but vulnerable? How do I ensure I don't lose being a woman in light of my life right now? How do I be strong yet vulnerable?

I think the bottom line of it is, I am vulnerable. I hurt easily. My heart aches a lot and I am quite a sensitive person. I feel and I cry and underneath it all, I am vulnerable. I can't seem to help it and its something I seem to be willing to do because I let people into my heart and if you do that, then you are vulnerable, you do risk being hurt. Lets recall the definition of vulnerable: capable of or susceptible to being hurt or wounded. Yup, that is me, as I let people into my heart. And thats not something that I can control...........well perhaps it is, but to me that means not letting people in my heart..........maybe I just haven't found the balance. But I see treausre in people and I want to call that out and for me that means a heart to heart connection, well that will mean I risk being hurt, that means I am vulnerable. And for the most part I feel that they are worth it.

So how does the strength portion fit in?

Many people seem to hold that emotionality is a sign of weakness and that in order to be strong we do not show emotions. Hmmm.....if thats strong I don't like it not one little bit. And yet, in light of moving into professionalism, being an agressive woman is seen as strength. Don't like that either. So how do we do this?

Some say I am strong, maybe I am. I am doing all these things. I am raising three children and bringing them up in a godly manner as best as I can. I am making decisions that I don't want to make during this economic crisis. I am entering a professional world. I do do the more male typical chores around the house and I have the bruised thumbs from hitting them with a hammer to prove it. I am raising boys, trying to teach them to be gentlemen, hold doors open for women as signs of respect (ask me for that story, its very cute!), trying to give my boys a healthy view of male sexuality when I don't even get it myself!!!! Trying to be matter of fact about male sexuality and make it normal for my sons. Trying to teach them that as males it is ok to be sensitive. Trying to teach them how to do things like fix a tire when I dont know how myself, how to fix things aroudn a house, when each of these things Im learning as I go. Again, let's do a definition check in here: especially able, powerful or competent. Well, by that definition, I don't know that I am strong. I'm certainloy not especially able, powerful or competent. But I seem to be doing a lot of things that people consider as strong. I am making it work......so.......maybe I am strong?

I think and I truly am looking inward here and trying to make sense of it all so do forgive me, but I think being vulnerable speaks to the heart. No matter what I cannot turn off my emotions, I will let people in and I will therefore always be susceptible to being hurt. I will cry.......alot......and I think I'm ok with that. I had better be cuz I cannot stop it anyhow. And as I navigate the business world, Iknow that many decisions I make will incorporate what my heart says, be it right or wrong, I know that on some level I will take into account my intuitive level and my decisions will take that into account.

So how do I be strong, whilst being emotional? I am not strong by its defintion. Yet others say I am. So how does that work? Well I think that perhaps it means pressing forward in spite of all odds, realizing limitations, willing to work through limitations, recognizing one's own weaker areas and being able to humbly ask for help when needed. I do ask for help, I have asked for help. If I hadn't done so, I could not have made it to where I am. I do try to attempt to fix things on my own, even when I am tired and I have no deisre to and I just want to curl up and cry. And I will curl up and cry, and then I will find some sort of resolve to try and remedy the situation and then if I still can't I will ask for help and/or input. I have to keep going, three beautiful sets of eyes staring up trustingly at me makes sure I do press on. But I do so amidst many tears (when they don't see, some they do and I think that that's ok too). Many times I feel very alone and very vulnerable and want to sit down and cry and not fight and give up and go to sleep for a very long time as I am so very tired and worn. And maybe I do for a time...but then I pick up, continue to press forward and to "do" because my babies trust me to.

Maybe that's strength amidst vulnerability and just maybe that is the mark of a woman....