more high road....really????

Today I write to you with a headache the size of Manhattan and in a state of shock, questioning the position God has entrusted me, not sure if I am worthy of such a trust..... Some very serious concerns arose last night. In order to keep my children and some others safe, it became necessary for me to phone 911. As a result of this, some things have now become entrusted to me. These things give me the power to take vengeance and get back and seek to destroy. If In continue to hold onto the pain, if I think of all the damage that has been done to me, if I think of the evil and sheer torture that I have survived, a force rises up in me that seeks to destroy. Today I was given that power.

Its a hard battle, a hard line to walk and a hard decision to make. It shouldn't be, the answer is easy. Vengeance is not mine to take, but it is so tempting to dispense the punishment that I deem suitable. Forgive me for this but there are certain parties that at times, I want to see suffer, I want to see it now, and I want to see it on my terms. On one level, I feel I deserve the revenge for what I have gone through.

From what has most recently occurred, I am still in shock. As I write I am sitting under two blankets shivering. My body doesn't like being on high alert for the past 24 hours and its telling me that.

These are reasons I want revenge.

But I'm called to something different. I am called to extend mercy and grace and forgiveness. I am called to love. OUCH thats a hard one. Love those who have caused me such pain? OUCH!!!!

And yet that is what I am called to do. My flesh doesn't want to and I will be honest at times, my heart doesn't want to. But this is what I am to do.

So how do I do this? How do I set aside my right to destroy....well, I beg I scream I cry and yell I rage against God who sees me fit to entrust to me this. I remain puzzled as to how He thinks, I am worthy of such a prospect?

Matthew 25:23

His Master replied "well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your Master's happiness!"

This is the verse that comes to mind, but it certainly doesn't feel like it fits. I certainly do not feel worthy of what I have been entrusted with.

Odd thing is, to date I have stayed my hand. I have not sought vengeance, I have not sought revenge, and I have not sought to seek and destroy.

(But I did fall asleep writing this so now I continue....)

I find myself very tempted to destroy....at times......at times I don't care.....

There are two paths open to me with the knowledge that has been entrusted me. I can seek vengeance and yet there is a chance that innocents would be hurt

Or I can stay my hand and be supportive and hope and pray the damage is minimal......

It's interesting as I finish writing this, two days have passed, (I started yesterday at the end of the worst of it), and in reflecting back on my actions, whats interesting is the vengeance that I spoke of included me spitefully manouvering an outcome that I saw fit and that I wanted for I knew it would hurt some of the parties in question seems to be occurring.

I wonder if i actively but subconciously forced the hand

I hope not, I really do.

However, the outcome that appears to be ocurring does need to happen, for safety sake.

Yet it comes down to motive of the heart Ithink. When this initially occurred, I saw an opportunity to exact my revenge. And yet as this has unfolded, compassion in my heart took over, adn I believe that I have supported and advised out of that, and yet, the outcome looks as if it will be the same. God, forgive me if my evil intent got in the way here. I did try adn stem taht tide, I did try and watch my interactions to ensure that that did not occur and so Lord, I beg you if at all I was too sorely tempted and acted out of seeking revenge instead of actiong out of support and compassion, I beg you to forgive me.

But the outcomes appear to be the same.

I only hope i acted godly in this all.

It's funny, as I reflect back on my journey, many times, I have been tempted to act out of vengeance, seek revenge for the hell inflicted on me, but I have stayed my hand each time. And heres the wierd thing, as i look back and reflect, God has allowed the noose to close and I have done nothign to facilitate that although at times I have been frustrated by God's timing. But sitting back I can see wisdom in that timing and I can rest in knowing that staying my hand served his ultimate purpose.

And so now, I fight to act out of a pure motive of my heart, I fight to resist taking my own vengeance and............I stay my hand.......