My Christmas Wishes

Wow...I am sitting here amongst the snowfall that we don't get often enough and looking back and thinking ahead. Looking way way back butnot daring to look too far ahead. Its been quite a rough life for me with many struggles, many trials and hopefully just there will be just as many triumphs.Things I had never thought would happen to me, have. I'm sitting here in 2008 on the brink of 2009 without a clue as to where life will take me. Most people have an idea, what some of the future holds for them whereas I still feel like I am in limbo. As I look back this is what I see....Jeffrey: My son who is 14 in March and graduate from grade 8 is as tall as me. The biggest pull on my heart. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and struggles far too much and yet when I catch a glimpse of that smile that charms people, I know that my boy is still living somewhere in there....he just needs to hide out for a bit more. He has suffered much my precious son, from nearly dying as a babe, to having his family torn apart, to being bullied at school. He is full of confusion and struggles. My wish for him this year would be peace beyond measure and a turning away from rebelling as he struggles to make sense of his world.Melissa: More affectionately Missy. My 11 yr old daughter on the brink of becoming a woman and trust me the hormones are a kickingi in. There are huge holes in the heart of this my baby girl. Her Christmas wish was two fold to be loved and for the boys to be nice to her. That broke my heart and yet I am at a loss as to how to pour into this beautiful little girl. The doctor's think she was a twin. As I look at her now, she seems filled with a sense of loss and she always has been at a loss. I have to wonder if the twinship plays a part in that. My beautiful daughter wiht a heart of gold taht would see no harm come to a soul. My wish for her is that her heart heals. That she is overwhelmed by such love that her heart is at rest. That she knows beyonod measure that she is a princess.Jamie: My little man Jamie. What a beautiful boy he is expereincing the joys of grade 1 at almost 7 years old. He is my little man yet always ready to come to mama for a snuggle and a love. His heart is open to so much of what the world has to offer. It's a beautful thing to see. He is such a joy for me my little Jamie as he lives his lief with such a zest that it leaves me wishing for just a tiny part of his energy. My little actor full of drama and mischeif and comedy. He keeps a smile on my face that boy of mine. My wish for him would be complete healing from the wounds that his tender heart has already had to suffer. That and that his heart would always be open.Mom: Well so much has come through my life. Dreams coming true and yet other dreams still a mere wish but fading soon to the shelf as lost dreams. My life has certainly not turned otu as I had expected. I did not see myself as a single parent fo 3. Rahter I saw myself as a married parent with a man that adored me and having at least 1 more child. Yet it has been 2 1/2 years since my split with no sign of that dream coming to fruition. Maybe its time to give that one up. Thats a hard thing to contemplate in that, that is the dream i hold closest to my heart.And yet so many other dreams that I did not think I would ever live to see. Does all dreams come true at the cost of another? So these last few years have seen me separate from my husband. The death of a dream of a family and more children. After that I went back to university and completed my undergrad degree. That was an accomlishment tinged with sadness as I wished to have someone in my life to share it with. I have since sold our family home and moved into a house for me and my children to make a fresh start as a family. It surprised me how hard that was, how hard that was to actually close the door on that part of my life. The final day I packed up and I wept, for the lost of a dream and for so much of my life that I had to close the door on. Thankfully, I had a dear friend with me that day who held me while I grieved. Thank you! And this Septemeber I enetered into the MA program at TWU. Another dream I did not dare to think would come true. And yet I am living it. As I sit across from my client's in my practicum I am actually living a dream, to hold people's heart for awhile, to honor their suffereing and to walk awhile with them.And so I look back at the dreams that came with a cost, nto daring to even hope for what the future will hold. Our lives have been tumultuous at best. There has been much suffering that me and my children have bourne. And yet we still are here alive and kicking. This Christmas as I look around my home, I ponder. I know what it is to lose, I have lost nearly everything. The one thing I have left that I have not lost are my three precious precious children. Everything else that one looks at and takes for granted I have lost. And so, as this Christmas season comes upon us, I know that the thing that matters most in my life my babies are here wiht me. I will be holding them extra tightly this year and I will be loving them more and more and harder and harder for I cannot afford to lose them and they need to know they matter.So my Christmas wish? That I could spend more time with them, that I could speak softer to them, that I could hold them more tenderly, that I could take away their pain and suffering and give them a joy and peace that nothing could shake. I wish I could heal their little hearts and souls, then and only then will I think that i have done enough, that I have been their mother.