death becomes us

Currently as I sit here, many of my friends are facing death themselves or death of loved ones through teh dreadede C-wors. Something that had never touched my life has been touching it left right and centre albeit somewhat distanced. I read their stories, i feel their struggle, my heart breaks at their pain and I know that in my heart of hearts I couldnt do it. I couldnt sit and face death, not yet. A girlfriend of mine, faced it herslef, she is a woman that I esteem. As part of her journey, she took some family portraits. I sat and stared at the beauty exhibited in these pictures and I cried. I put myself in her place, knowing the value of those precious fleeting moments that she captured while cancer rocked her world and that of her children and I know that I could never be that brave. As much as I would want to capture the fleeting moments of my life wiht my children I know that I would sob unconsoleably at the thought of saying good bye. I couldnt do it, I am not that strong and accolades my dear friend JS for what you have undergone. You are a pillar of strength infused iwht grace and you have walked this journey well my beloved friend. which brings me to my next pt. oddly enough I sit here with something akin to survivor guilt. I have some good things going on in my life.........finally..........but I fell guilty, how can i enjoy these things, how can i take pleasure in them, knowing what I know, watching the lives of those close to me be affected by death. what earthly right do I have, to rejoice when my beloved friends are cuaght in the depths of despair. how can i be joyful, happy when my dear friends are facing hell..... what is the purpose behind this, what is hte meaning. Is the joy we crave out of earthly things so fleeitng that the mere thought of my loved ones facing death causes it to come crashing down? When so mnay suffer, those I know and those I don't, with so much pain and horror and suffering inflicted on others do i have a right to discover joy in th small things in my life, do i have permission to take joy out of my dreams when the dreams of others is turning into a nightmare. where and why and how....?????what is the purpose..........